Anakin's do's and DON'TS!
by Tripod Gal
Summary: Just a random fic that I thought of while reading a book


**A/N: Just an idea that came to me while reading the book Return of the Sith. Hope you enjoy it! **

**Note: Anything written in **normal** is Anakin and the _italics _are Obi-Wan.**

**STARWARSSTARWARSSTARWARS**

**Anakin's Do's and Don'ts in most situations. _With help sometimes from Obi-Wan!! _Obi-Wan! Don't write on this page!!!! _Whatever Ani, I'll do what I like. _ANYway…**

**What to do when Obi-Wan is after you with his lightsaber for tinkering with the settings of his astromech droid so that instead of helping him fly AWAY from the separatists it flew TOWARDS them:**

1. Scream, pretty easy.

2. Run away, standing there waiting to be chopped up isn't very clever.

3. Don't think that because he is a Jedi that he won't hurt you, just ask Qui-Gon how he died.

4. Hide behind Mace; he's taller than Obi-Wan, so what if he gets chopped up.

5. Leap inside Yoda's private rooms, Yoda wouldn't let him hurt his collection of dolls.

6. Apologise; don't blame me if you don't get a chance to say anything.

**What NOT to do if Obi-Wan is after you with his lightsaber for tinkering with the settings of his astromech droid so that instead of helping him fly AWAY from the separatists it flew TOWARDS them:**

1. Try and reason with him.

2. Be sensible.

3. Try to blackmail him.

4. Ask Palpatine for help, he's scared of him too.

5. Hide behind Yoda, that's just never gonna work. He's too short.

**_What to do if you crash Anakin's ship: _**

_1. Commit suicide, Anakin will do it for you when he finds out._

_2. Hide, someplace good, like on top of a 6,000 foot sky-scraper, not anywhere stupid, like in his apartment in the Jedi temple. _

_3. Blame it on whoever was with you on Anakin's ship, like Yoda, everyone knows he can't fly._

_4. Cry. People say it does no good, but if you look sweet he may only pull off one arm._

_5. Pray, only the force can help you now._

**_What NOT to do if you crash Anakin's ship: _**

_1. Pretend that nothing happened, as if he wouldn't notice if there was so much as a scratch._

_2. Plead, Anakin's deaf when he's angry. _

_3. Beg. again, he can't hear you._

_4. Run. He'll find you, even if it kills him._

_5. Tell him that Jedi aren't allowed to get revenge, he'll just turn to the dark side._

**What to do if your engines fail while in space:**

1. Die.

2. I think I explained it in number one.

_3. Yell over the comm hysterically. It might not save you, but at least you're annoying the other pilots around you._

**What NOT to do if your engines fail in space:**

1. Think that you are going to live; there is no emergency life support in those stupid starfighters.

**What to do if the high council leaves Anakin, Obi-Wan, Padmé and Palpatine in charge of Coruscant:**

1. Leave. Immediately if possible. Anakin and Obi-Wan will burn everything down, Padmé will start a strippers club in the middle of the temple and Palpatine will run around in a clown suit and SOMEHOW find a big red button that says: 'Danger, do not press. Coruscant will blow up' and naturally he will press it.

2. Order Anakin and Obi-Wan to reorder the Senate, it'll be a surprise to see all the senators wearing stripper outfits or Jedi costumes, with Anakin and Obi-Wan teaching the senators/Jedi and Padmé and Palpatine teaching the senators/strippers.

**What NOT to do if everyone leaves except Anakin, Obi-Wan, Padmé and Palpatine:**

1. Stay on Coruscant. Or even in the same system as Coruscant.

_**What to say if Yoda try's to pilot a starfighter:**_

_1. Oh force, ANAKIN! Get out there!_

_2. May the force help us!_

_**What not to say if Yoda try's to pilot a starfighter:**_

_1. Anything longer than 'Oh force, ANAKIN! Get out there!' Or 'May the force help us!' It will just cause Yoda to become distracted and the temple will have to mourn the Masters death sooner and even Anakin won't be able to help him._

**_What to if Anakin tries a 'heroic' attempt:_**

_1. Run. This most likely involves blowing things up._

_2. Find a healer. In a few minutes Anakin may be missing vital body parts. And the people surrounding him._

_**What NOT to so when Anakin tries a 'heroic' attempt:**_

_1. Say, 'oh, it's all right Anakin will save us'……enough said._

_2. Go anywhere without technology, Anakin will try to commit suicide if there's no technology._

**What to do when Darth Sidious threatens to kill you or you turn to the darkside:**

1. Burst out laughing and walk into a corridor full of mirrors, he will become distracted by his appearance and consequently forget you.

2. Sit him down and explain that he is too old and ugly to get you to become his apprenticeand then give him anti-aging cream to make him feel better.

**What NOT to do when Darth Sidious threatens to kill you to you go to the darkside:**

1. Just stand there and burst out laughing, he does have a lightsaber, y'know.

2. Challenge him to a battle of politics. He's been masquerading as a senator and Supreme Chancellor for 20 years. He. Is. going. To. Beat. You.

**What to do when Padmé tries to play holochess:**

1. Run away. She throws temper tantrums when things don't go her way, and there is genrally a lot of heavy things in the room.

2. Scream hysterically and say that Obi-Wan just found his long lost teddy-bear and that he wants you to help him clean it up. You'll get away from her, even if Obi-Wan wants to kill you for telling Padmé about his teddy.

**What NOT to do if Padmé tries to play holochess:**

1. Yell 'ARRRGH! OH NO!' This will cause her to stop and ask (threaten) you to explain, if you do explain you will get a slap, and if you don't you will get a slap.

**(Written by Obi-Wan and Anakin) What to do when Padmé wants you to die:**

1. Die.

**What NOT to do if Padmé wants you to die:**

1. Expect to live.

**What to do when Padmé wants her sister to stay with you for two weeks:**

1. Walk out of room with Obi-Wan, and once out of earshot Obi-Wan promptly bursts out laughing at you, then, check to see if Padmé is near when sure, Groan, not again!

2. Run away, and then beg Padmé to take you back AFTER her sister leaves.

**What NOT to do when Padmé wants her sister to stay with you for two weeks:**

1. Look at Padmé and groan

_2. Burst out laughing in front of Padmé and point at Anakin and yell sucker! She'll make you suffer as well._

3. Let her come; you'll give the council ideas.

**What to say when Obi-Wan goes out alone to meet you at a club:**

1. 'Master Yoda, may I please go and rescue Obi-Wan, he's been kidnapped.

**What NOT to say when Obi-Wan goes out alone to meet you at a club:**

1. "Gee, I wonder how long it'll take for him to get to the club?' He's not gonna get there.

**What to do if you're in charge of the Jedi when Yoda and Mace are away:**

1. Lock Anakin and Obi-Wan in their room at night so they can't go partying.

2. Hide all the alcohol. All the Jedi Knights tend to be self indulgent when they're on there own.

3. Beg Mace and Yoda to stay away/come back, it's one big party at the temple. Even though it's burning.

4. My personal favourite, knock yourself out the whole time Yoda and Mace are away, drink loads of alcohol or something……

**What NOT to do if you're in charge on the Jedi when Yoda and Mace are away:**

1. Be alive.

**What to do if you hear that there is a bounty hunter in the area who wants to kill all Jedi and Sith, (Bobba Fett): **

1. Make sure you stick Palpatine and Yoda outside where the Bounty Hunter is most likely to go.

2. Go and help the Bounty Hunter, the Galaxy is WAY too overpopulated anyway.

3. Sigh and go and get your lightsaber and kill him, you still get to kill someone, even if you don't get to do major extermination.

**What NOT to do if you hear that there is a bounty hunter in the area who wants to kill all Jedi and Sith, (Bobba Fett): **

1. Get in his way. Enough said.

2. Hide away WITH Palpatine and Yoda, where is the point in it? I mean, right in front of you is the perfect opportunity to get rid of BOTH of them and not get arrested for it!

**The following are some translations to help you understand what the people are REALLY meaning.**

**1. **Yoda: Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side.

Translation:

Yoda: I was trying to steal his lollies, how was I supposed to know he was a Sith.

2.

Obi-Wan: You still have much to learn.

Translation:

Obi-Wan: I can't be stuffed teaching you anything meaningful.

3.

Anakin: Sorry master.

Translation:

Anakin: Next time I won't go to all the trouble of baking you a cake, I'll just buy one.

4.

Padmé: Let me in, don't shut me out. I can help you.

Translation:

Padmé: Here Ani. See, I can HELP you finish the ice-cream.

5.

Qui-Gon: Patience my young Padawan.

Translation:

Qui-Gon: Calm down! I can't do things as fast as you! I'm too old.

**STARWARSSTARWARSSTARWARS**

**A/N: Well? Comments suggestions…………..should I write a sequel?**

**Note:**

** Masters and apprentices supposedly stayed in the same room. I'm NOT suggesting that they're gay.**


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